Insignificant Princess

I’m sad. I’m looking for a roommate for college and I’m worried that no one will like me or want to room with me or that I won’t like the person i end up rooming with. Or that if i don’t go ahead and sign up i won’t end up in a dorm i like. I’m also annoyed that my prom group has 18 people. Not all of whom i like. I don’t like large groups of people. Also, despite the fact that i see people from my group all the time, no one tells me anything about what is happening and i just randomly find out. they just all expect that someone already told me so nobody tells me anything. i don’t like it. I feel like no one likes me even though i know that isn’t true. I also don’t understand a thing that is going on in physics which makes me feel stupid and like i can’t do anything right. and tomorrow I’m going to fail a physics test so my teachers going to be disappointed in me and if my old physics teacher finds out he’ll be disappointed in me and i actually do care what they think of me and they might not give me outstanding senior science student which is another thing to stress about. I also am sick of all the stupid stuff i have to do for anatomy and i still have to do my health academy presentation. I’m sad. :(

so i haven’t posted in a while but i thought i would update about my life not that anyone cares. So I am in my last quarter of high school and prom is coming up in a month. so this past week i asked my friend and love of my life Kris to go with me. I sent him on a scavenger hunt with cookies and he thought it was really cute and clever and he thanked me for asking him and said he had to talk to his parents about it. then the next day we didn’t end up seeing each other at school so he called me at home that night and told me that he would be honored to take me to prom which was awkward cause i am an awkward person who gets even more awkward over the phone so then the next day i was suddenly nervous because i didn’t know how to act around him but then i actually talked to him in person and it wasn’t awkward at all which was good. so yeah but then that night i got some information from the college I’ve been planning on going to and suddenly i wasn’t sure if i wanted to go there and i didn’t know if i was making the right choice. and the more i thought about it the more i realized what I’m worried about is that i don’t want to move 8 hours away from kris later this year. me and him are finally drawing closer together and I’m going away to college and he’s a year younger so he’s staying here to finish high school. i don’t even really have him and I’m already worried about losing him. and its not like i could just go where he’s going cause he doesn’t even know where he’s going yet but since he’s definitely wanting to go to a christian school i know he’s not going to the school i was planning on so now I’m going back and reconsidering everything and looking at christian schools. And i figure even if i take him out of the picture if i can get a full ride to a christian school that has both my major and minor that I’m planning on i would choose that because the school I’m looking at now is so expensive. anyway so thats my drama. but me and him are gonna talk more about prom on monday. and monday is his birthday and he turns seventeen! so now the age difference won’t be so great. lol. I just love him so much and i really want to marry him and live happily ever after. :)

slader:

Reblog this post to win an iPad from Slader!

You can also send your friends PI GRAMS on Slader.

Rules and terms at the link.

So I’ve decided I really miss an old friend of mine from last year, I know, such a long time, right? But anyways, she is a year above me in school so she graduated last year. She is an amazing person. I just love her to death. She was so sweet to everyone she knew, even people she didn’t know. I’m not sure she knew how to not be wonderfully sweet. And she always made me feel loved and welcome when I would come to rock group, my schools student ministry, or her youth group. And if I didn’t come she would comment the next day that they missed me. And along with that, she is smart, incredibly beautiful, and is an amazing christian woman. She also has a great family and a great relationship with her family. Her younger brother is a year below me and I actually had met him, and fell in love with him, before I met her. I’m pretty sure their parents must be amazing because he is the most incredible boy I have ever met. I’m completely in love with him. And even if I didn’t want to marry him just because he is perfect, I would still want to marry him just to have her as my sister. And I’ve thought about this, that it would bother me to marry someone if I didn’t like his family, like his sister or mom or anyone else. Which of course makes Kristoffer even more perfect because his family is amazing, and I’ve only met one of his sisters. Anyway, I miss her, want to marry him, want her as my sister…

So this week is spirit week at my school and I’m a senior and I’m more into doing some of the spirity things, especially spirit week. But this years student council must be idiots because the spirit days are completely stupid. One, spirit week should not be on a week where we have a day off because that gives us one less day. Then today was ugly sweater day. I personally try to avoid any ugly sweater events. I don’t approve of ugly sweater day, one because I’m not about to purposefully make myself look ugly and two it just gives people an excuse to make fun of each other and three peoples ideas of ugly are different and someone could get insulted. Then tomorrow is patriotic day. Which is ok and I’ll probably go red white and blue but its just kind of boring and expected. Theres nothing cool or special about it. Then thursday is college gear day. Which like since I actually am going to college next year is ok but even I don’t have clothing from the colleges I’m looking at cause I don’t know where I’m going for sure yet, but I do have a couple shirts and a sweatshirt from my brothers colleges. But really, not everyone is obsessed with a certain college or following college sports incessantly, like some of us aren’t obsessed with the Iowa state - U of I rivalry. Like really just get over it some people don’t want to go to a state school where everyone they know will be there and everyone, including complete idiots, gets in. And then of course friday is black and gold day, which is of course normal but with the other stupid themes it just kind of adds to the boredom. Like good spirit days are like Disney day, or super hero-villians day. Days where you can actually dress up and get creative or where costumes. Those are fun days, and senior pajama day was fun cause I got to wear my footie pajamas to school and carry around my Eeore. I’m just hoping that the spirit week at the end of the year will be super awesome to make up for this one and to end off my high school career right. I am really entertained by our senior prom theme though. Its ‘till the end’, it was originally ‘Party till the end’ but the school wouldn’t allow the party part. whatever. Its still cool since were the class that graduates the year the world ends. 

So I have decided that I’m just getting tired of the same people. I’m ready for college. Like just getting on Facebook, I’m just over it. Like I don’t care what people are doing. And peoples stupidity and attitudes. I’m ready for some new people in my life. Mostly I just want the year to end so that I don’t have to deal with these people anymore and so that I don’t have to deal with stupid classes where the teachers expect me to do a million stupid assignments that are completely unnessecary and a waste of my time. Like, not to be self important or anything but I’m way too smart to need teachers to check up on me and whether I’ve done every assignment. Like if I don’t want to do an assignment and I’m not gonna drop below an A, what is it their business. And all the annoying people who are either complete idiots or think they’re better than everyone else. People are just getting on my nerves right now. I’m sick of my classes and half of my teachers are idiots. Actually its all the female teachers that are idiots. The male teachers aren’t that bad, they know me well enough to just leave me to do my work. Even my friends are kind of bothering me. Like my one friend thinks she’s better than me and complains a lot about various things. And my other best friend is just bothering me a little and I think it might just be that I’m jealous of her and the fact that she has other close friends and not just me since I don’t have like any friends. Like thats part of my problem with Facebook is I see all these high school students I’m friends with talking about how their hanging out and all that stuff but I almost never hang out with people outside of school. I’m just not a social butterfly and sometimes it bothers me how much of a loner I am. I think I’m also a bit stressed with all the work I have to do for the classes that I am completely sick of. Its a long weekend and I’m spending the majority of my time working on stupid assignments for my Anatomy class that has no point and takes up literally all of my time. I am also really tired and I have a headache and the sermon at church today sucked. We had a guest speaker and it was completely boring and the guy was completely self righteous. And he was basically saying that the churches that his organization started are way better than any other churches because they are not a part of a denomination and that means that theres freedom from having to conform to what one person believes. But what that says to me is that they all are interpreting the bible however they want and have no interest in following a leader and aren’t really listening to the sermons but being completely skeptical of them. And then of course in Sunday school I didn’t have anyone to sit with and then we got out early so that just made me sit around and feel like a loner. And even though I had someone to sit with in church it was a couple who were in the worship band so it was awkward before it started cause they were together and then when we were greeting people they were on stage so I was just standing there like an idiot. I’m not good with being around couples, like it kind of bothers me. I don’t know how to act. Like am I imposing or do they care or what do I say or do or look. I don’t date so I’ve never been in their position so I don’t know what it feels like or what I would want or anything like that. I really want to be highly involved with church and youth group and I have wanted that for years but the only reason I don’t is because I don’t have any good friends there and the friends I do have I’m not real close to but they’re close to each other so I don’t really talk and I feel like I’m just imposing even though they work really hard to make me feel welcome, which I feel bad about. And I’m stressed about being more awkward than I already am. Like I want to talk to my science teacher about what he believes and about God and Jesus but I don’t know how or when and I’m already so awkward on my own and most of the time I can deal but I try not to make myself more awkward than what I can’t help. Like I pray that I don’t deal with awkward situations unless it is for His glory but I don’t know how to handle situations of being awkward for God. Sometimes I dread going to sleep at night cause I know that it means that I have to get up in the morning and deal with life and school and people I don’t want to deal with again. I just wish sometimes that when I go to sleep I could just stay asleep. I just want to be there already. With God in Heaven in bliss but I know that its not time yet and I have to keep living and bringing glory to God. Thats the biggest temptation, to want things to be easier, and to try to make myself feel better by sinning. I’m tired, I’m tired of ranting, I’m going to bed. 

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know where God is leading me in my life. What I want is to be important. To be an important part of God’s kingdom. I want to change lives, save lives. Both physically and spiritually. I want to bring as many people to Christ as I can. But I don’t know how to do that, or even how to start. I don’t even know if I will be good at it. And thats the biggest thing that scares me. This isn’t something I’ve ever done before. What if I am horrible at it and I just turn people away. Really what I want is to start an orphanage ministry in a third world country. But my brother, who is awesome with kids says I’m really bad with kids. Mostly because of how I interact with my little sister. I love kids but I’m not always positive how to act with them, especially ones I don’t know well. I want to be the one that God sends to all the nations and uses for His purpose and His glory. But I have no idea how it’s gonna happen and I am so scared that I won’t be good at it. 

I don’t know how to forgive him. I was fifteen, he was nineteen. He manipulated me, used me, took advantage of me. He broke my heart. I’ve moved on. I’m not the same person I was back then. I’ve learned from it. I pretend that it never happened. But when I’m reminded or he tries to contact me, I break down. I can’t handle it. I know that I’m supposed to forgive. I know that me not forgiving him is holding me back and is keeping me attached to him and I don’t want that. But if I forgive him, its like saying that it was ok what he did to me, that he didn’t break me down cause he did and its not ok. I can’t handle it. I just want it to go away. For him to disappear. For it to never have happened. But it did and he’s not going to disappear and it’s not going to go away. I need to deal with it but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to forgive him. 

So, I have now decided that I am almost obsessed with my science teacher, I’ve had him for Astronomy, AP physics, and I hang out with him all the time for my independent study as a lab assistant for the science department and for science club. I just love him! Now, don’t get me wrong, theres nothing romantic or gross about my love for him. I classify it as admiration but it’s getting pretty creepy to the point where it’s almost an obsession. He is just so awesome and I’m not sure why I like him so much. Today, I suggested that I’m not as smart as I think that I am and he said that he’s sure that I am. And then he just brushed over my mistake that I was bringing up like it was nothing. It’s like, aww, I feel loved. And I love how involved I am in science club like how I’m always the first person who knows everything and that the teachers trust with everything. It makes me feel so important. But I’m just such a teachers pet, just naturally with all of my teachers and I seek the approval of those who are older than me and know more about what they are talking about than those who are my age and are most likely wrong. Thats why I am not president of the science club is because I don’t win popularity contests and that is all that was. And now half the people in science club are regretting voting Eric as president because he doesn’t do anything whereas I do most everything and a lot of them will turn to me because I always know whats going on. I adore that and its one of the best things about my independent study, that and getting to help and feel like I’m really making a difference for some of my favorite teachers I’ve ever had. And I get to do cool sciency things like I’m going to be building cool contraptions for physics demonstrations. And the teachers act so grateful towards me and like I’m just awesome for being there and I love that and it makes me feel important. I’m really hoping that my independent study and my involvement in science club will help the teachers to vote me as outstanding senior science student. I really want it! People keep saying that I have such a high chance or that I’m a shoe in but I know if I start believing them and I don’t get it I will be really disappointed, not that I won’t be disappointed anyway. I’m such a nerd! Anyway, this started off as a weird rant about my favorite teacher and just turned into a rant about my sciency activities. Hmm. moving on.