how am i feeling right now? cold. like seriously i am ice. im also annoyed that torin wont let me hug him anymore. like seriously, without hugs im going to get very depressed. i think thats how we got into this situation to begin with was because i needed someone to hug and he was there. im also kind of thirsty. i liked kissing him, and hes probably right that i might have let it go further with a little convincing. but in my mind i wasnt planning on letting it go that far and i was planning on only letting the kissing last a little longer. but i probably would have let it go till he said that he had a girl and then i would have let him stop. which is why i did let it stop because i was like super annoyed that he was just trying to get me to stop because he wouldnt believe that i wasnt emotionally attached any more and all that stuff. once he said he was getting close to this other girl and he didnt want to mess that up it was like ok time to stop. i like talking to him though. i think its because so far here, hes my closest friend and i want to talk to him and get to know him. and its different talking to him because i feel like i can talk to him about anything. which i like. but i dont know how i feel about him keeping on talking about my past. i mean i like that he cares and that he wants me to be a better person and not be hurt by my past and all that but i dont like talking about it. id just rather not. and im not emotionally attached any more. im not focused on our relationship/friendship. i like talking to him and being friends with him, but i dont mind that hes getting close to this other girl (yes i know the things i have said in the past) but I’m not jealous and i want him to be happy. i think that there is a possibility that i might be picky about who he dates. if that makes sense. i think that because i care about him and i know how great he can be, i want him to be with a girl who i think is good enough for him. like i want to like her. if shes annoying or reallly slutty, thats just going to get on my nerves and im not going to like him dating her, but if shes really sweet and nice and i get along with her and can be friends with her, id completely agree with the relationship and would be super happy for both of them. i feel like this makes me sound like im way too invested in some relationship that doesnt even necessarily exist yet. whatever. but yeah im not jealous. i was really excited about all the cute guys at church today. oh my gosh, church was so good today. i think gateway is where im going to end up. and not just because the cute guys but because the sermon was really good and the people were really nice and the fact that it was in an old movie theatre was actually really cool and the worship was really good. they had good music and i felt connected. i liked it. oh but heres the thing about christian guys, obviously they have to be cute on their own, but then loving God and going to church and being committed to Him, its so amazing and attractive to me. i think one, im easily impressed with guys who love Jesus. i think mostly because its not as common. like church and christianity are more of a feminine thing. like more girls than guys go to church just in general. and i think a lot of times, the only males i think about going to church are pastors. cause in my family thats kind of the way it went growing up. my daddy doesnt go to church. my grandpa does but hes a pastor. anyways. but i do really like christian guys. im excited to start going to church at a consistent place and start getting involved consistently in intervarsity or cru and start being around a group of people who can not only encourage me and keep me focused on loving God and living out my purpose and give me community so that i dont feel like im alone in my faith. i mean theres jess but her and i are so different in our views on a lot of things. but also im looking forward to being around a group of people who could become some of my closest friends and being consistently around christian guys and getting to know them and possibly becoming really close with one of them and who knows what could happen. honestly all i can think about right now while describing this is Kristoffer. i loved kristoffer. i think theres still that thought in the back of my head that someday if we see each other in the future, something could happen. ive never met anyone like him before, i still haven’t. and maybe/probably i will once im around more christian guys consistently. i mean he cannot be the only perfect guy out there. i mean hes not perfect. i think i try to think of things about him that i could improve on because i dont want to think that hes the most perfect guy ive ever met and that ill probably never see him again and anyone else ill just be settling for. i think thats why i try not to think about him, that and the fact that there is no point whatsoever in me focusing on what could have been. lol. i wonder if he ever knew that i was completely in love with him, or if he really was that oblivious. i mean everyone else knew. i wasnt shy about the fact. anyways. im a little warmer now. i think its time for warm pajamas. i liked the outfit that i wore today. the pleated yellow jacket looked really cute with the skirt of the dress. Dang It! what happened to my pink coat?! i didnt bring it with me. i need to ask my parents to send it to me soon because i have a feeling it will get cold enough that i will need it before thanksgiving. like seriously. the problem is i wasnt focused on winter in the middle of summer when i packed. i almost didnt bring any coat. i cant believe i forgot my favorite, brand new, pink, adorable coat! this is going to drive me crazy until i get it. i dont even know where it is. actually it has to either be in the coat closet or with all the winter coats downstairs. my gosh. anyways, my outfit today. oh yeah and the yellow jacket looked nice and formal and cute and then the jean jacket also looked really good with it but it was more casual and as i was sitting here i could see my reflection in the window, because honestly i really like using windows as mirrors at night. i had a tendency to do that with the glass door at home. but anyways as i was looking at my reflection, i couldnt help but notice that my jean jacket looks really good with my face and my hair. it just works, or at least i think it does. lol. i need to cut my bangs. but also i really like the dress i wore today because i can twirl in it and it will fly up like a flower that is blooming. ( i was giddy with joy over Gods love earlier and i was singing praise music and dancing around the room and twirling and then i was laying on the floor singing and laughing and oh my gosh, how lucky i am) yeah. i also got a lot of work done today. i figured out a good place for me to study and i was able to do all my chem homework and i understood it all which made me feel really smart (or at least that im not an idiot, which at this point in my life is pretty much the same thing, lol) i still have a lot of catching up to do in bio but i need to focus on chem for this week because i have the chem test on friday then i can catch up on bio over the weekend hopefully since i have a bio test next week. but i do have a game this weekend so ill really need to manage my time, ive been really bad about that. i had coffee today so i have a lot to say. that tends to be how it works. coffee makes me hyper but not in the i seem like im on drugs way but in the i have a lot to say and i know no one wants to here me talk about random crap so im going to have long drawn out conversations with myself/other people in my head. im really excited about cheering. i wish we cheered away games, and jv games, and like everything because i really like cheering and we havent really done anything. i just want to have cheerleading everyday but i know then i wouldnt have time to get anything done. lol. i like the way we rearranged our room. i still want to do more with it though. im happy that me and jess are good now. like weve been actually talking like friends again. yay. i need to buy more food. i need mac and cheese, maybe pop cause im out but i dont drink it that often and its not necessary so it might just be a waste of money. but i should also get cheezits or something for me to snack on. i like cheezits. oh i didnt tell you about something torin said earlier. he was asking me what my “possibility” was. and i told him it was to make a difference, to help save the world, to live out my God issued purpose and to show the gospel through my life and he told me that i should be living every moment and making every decision with that in mind and trying to live up to my possibility. i love that he said that, its so weird coming from him because hes not a christian and he thinks im crazy just for saying that. but its exactly what i need to here. and its really good for me to hear from, i dont know, like an outside source, someone who isnt just telling me that i need to do whats right and make the right decision and who isnt judging me and the decisions i make, that i should be living out… my dreams in a way. who i want to be. i didnt expect that. i think mostly people, when i tell them what i want to do with my life, are like, ok crazy or there like yeah thats really good. just nicely brush me off. i think that him saying that, in a way, made me feel like i can make a difference and i can be that person and that im not wasting my time (even though i know he doesnt agree with it and probably does think im wasting my time). he keeps joking about me saying that hes from satan. thats not it at all. in fact, hes more of a Godsend. just that he said that is amazing and inspiring and i feel like going through this situation and everything with it helps me in determining who i am and almost strengthens my faith. i dont actually know how or if thats happening but… anyways, in church today he was talking about our God given purpose. how we were made to make progress and to live in perfection and have dominion over all creation but that adam as federal headship of all humanity, tainted that but because of that, God made Jesus the new federal headship of humanity and since Jesus will never screw up, we will never lose our status, we are able to talk to God and to live out our purpose. that we can make progress and we can talk to the creator about how to make progress and to bring the world back to the garden, back to the way it was meant to be. he talked about how doctors wouldnt have existed in the garden because no one would ever get hurt, there would be no pain or suffering. but that doctors, who heal people, are trying to bring us back to the garden. to stop the pain and suffering. i like that, especially because what i want to do with my life is like trying to bring us both physically and spiritually back to the garden. healing people physically and helping to bring them to Christ. torin thinks im crazy for the way that i believe, the fact that i believe what i believe. i dont know how i feel about it, it almost makes me feel like im doing something right. like this is how the world is supposed to look at me, like im completely insane… todays a good day. except the fact that i cant hug him, i mean i get why he says that and hes probably right but i really need someone to hug every once in a while. whatever. oh and i like the weather, cause now i can start wearing jeans and jackets and sweaters and sweatshirts and knee high socks and boots and oh im so excited for fall. but seriously him saying that to me, that i need to be living every moment and make every decision with that possibility in mind is one of the greatest things anyone has ever said to me. the only other thing that i can think of at the moment is the letter that i keep on the wall in front of my desk that stephy wrote to me saying that i inspire her with my faith and my fearlessness about it. i love that letter. it shows me that i have made a difference in someones life and that i can make a difference in peoples lives. todays definitely a good day.
